I'm just a happening.

I have been thinking a lot, stressing a lot and wanting to just cry.  I feel so alone, and have felt this way for such a long time, and sometimes I did have scary thoughts about not going on anymore, but now I want to live, no matter how lonely and sad I get because well I just do.  And I have also concluded I just don't belong anywhere at the moment.  I am a touch and go person, I come into your life and the moment when you don't need me anymore/I feel like I'm an inconvinience I leave.  I have always done this and still do this, I guess I just feel like I need to find somewhere where I feel like home and belong in order not to fly away.  I'm just a happening you could say; a person that just happens by your life but never stays.  The same can kinda be said for my family, I love them and they love me but look I left the moment I had the opportunity (and I could have stayed because my town has one of the best uni's in the country but I had to move out).  I felt the need to leave, not just because I wanted to be independant but because although I love them I simply did not belong, I just happened to happen upon this family.  So in away I do belong in my family, but I don't really "belong" if you understand?  I love them and forever will I keep contact and visit, but I don't really belong there, just like I don't ever really belong with anyone I've met so far.  You get close, than you kind of see another side of them, they kind of start hanging with other people, and you're not so close anymore, and than you just happen out of their life.  Just like that you happen in their life and than you happen out of their life, but you never stay, you just sort of float here and there.

Binges, goals and microdermals

So as you can probably guess from the title I binged; bad two days of it : [  but I'm not giving up and my goal is 106 lbs by New Years and if by Jan.30th I get down to 98 lbs I am going to get a microdermal on my hip ♥  I want to get it intergrated into my tattoo, I think it will look so pretty ♥ Also I am growing my hair out so that next summer (not the one coming up, but the one after - so in like 1.5 years) it will be really long when I go to Europe.

So goals and rewards:

♥ gw1: 112 lbs (by 12/15/11)   reward: N/A

♥ gw2: 108 lbs (by 12/23/11)   reward: go swimming at the gym

♥ gw3: 106 lbs (by 12/31/11)   reward: concealer and new eyeliner

♥ gw4: 102 lbs (by 01/14/12)   reward: sign up for kick boxing (this will keep me motivated because I really, really want to continue kickboxing next semester)

♥ gw5: 98 lbs (by 01/31/12)   reward: hip microdermal ♥♥

♥gw6: 94 lbs (by 02/17/12)    reward: 2 pairs of pants, 1 pair of jeans and 2 crop tops

♥gw7: 88 lbs (by 03/18/12)    reward: new cell phone and a one hour back massage
 
So in four and a bit months from now I am going to lose around 30 lbs (because I honestly have no clue how much I weigh at the moment, haven't weighed myself in two months because of a lack of scale, but from my clothes I'm guessing 114 -118 lbs).  This is going to be intense but I want to get the body I have always wanted and I'm tired of progressing, hitting a plateau, binging, fasting, and progressing a little and stoping again because I have not lost anything in over 5.5 months.  Anyways :] I know I can do it and I will and on Jan.1st I will post a before picture of myself (from last year when I  weighed 134lbs) and a during photo that I will take that very day♥

Here is some [th]inspirations ♥

Sore tummy, old habits, and periods.

Ughhh so I have eaten a lot during the last two days, but because I'm on my period it all just comes out (I know too much info) and a lot of it is undigested? I know, how gross is that?
Also something overcame me: I calmly took some scissors and managed to get a razor blade out of one of my shaving razors, I cleaned it out in boiled water and cut myself three times on my thigh.  They were pretty deep and bled alot (and bled through the bandaid, so I took a shower and put a giant band aid over the two that are the closest together - one of which is pretty deep).  I haven't cut that deep in years, or never, and usually it's when I'm distressed, but not today. Well yesterday and Thursday I had a bit of a mental break down (too little sleep + exams + low grades + people being rude and irritating) and had a bit of a crying fit in my room but went out both times on a run to calm down.  Today I don't even know, I just had this urge, this though I had to surpress. I don't know if I'm even making sense.

Anywho that's not important :] here's some [th]inspirations:

Confession

Sometimes I think of death, but not necessarily suicide.  Sometimes I wonder/imagine what would happen if a car hit me, or I think about what might happen if I take a bunch of pain killers and drink a lot of alcohol with energy drinks, or if I take a lot of pills.  Sometimes I think that's why I sometimes do stupid things (more often than not when I'm drunk) like running around aimlessly and through the street without looking, or wandering downtown TO drunk (although I'm smart enough not to go home with anyone who offers, which has happened), or splashing through a shallow pond in a tank and shorts when it's like 3 degrees celsius outside or going running through the surrounding neighbourhoods at 2 am or taking 1800 mg of ibuprofen with 2 redbulls in 3 hours.  Not that I want to die but sometimes I imagine getting hurt, you know not a lot, but enough to let you have a bit of rest from your life, which totally does not make sense I know.  I just felt like getting this off my chest. kk :] ♥

Liquid fasting = success ♥

So my liquid fast was a success (although I did drink 2.63L of orange juice in just over 3 hours and have been peeing like every 20 minutes...) also I finally went to the humane society to donate some blankets and towels for the animals ♥ Also finally drinking saturday night :D I have not drank in like 3 weeks D: and I know it's bad but it's going to be on an empty stomach cause I am not breaking my fast :} just saying and I have done it a few times before.

Some [th]inspirations ♥

Conch piercing, new job, essays, exams and holidays

So I got my conch pierced on wednesday :] so happy.  I have been soo busy with easays and I have been pulling so many all nighters that my body seems to have crashed.  On Sunday I took like a billion naps and yesterday I slept from 4 - 9:30 am and than slept from 11 am - 5 pm (and that's only because my friend knocked on my door that I woke up).  Like holy moly my body just wants sleep, yet right now I can't even fall asleep.  Also 4 day liquid fast (and I'm doing the 30 hour famine friday evening - sunday morning so that helps my motivation.). 

My goals for this week are (up to Friday Dec. 2nd):

          ♥ Finish my painting

          ♥ Finish my SSH essay by tuesday

          ♥ Write rough draft of philosophy paper

          ♥ Finish SSH final proposal

          ♥ Do a four day liquid fast (juice fast) and 3 days of 200 cal

          ♥ Pay ambulance bill on friday (I keep forgetting to do that :S it's been like 3 weeks since they mailed me. 

          ♥ Buy greyhound ticket back to London (going home for a relaxing 3 week Christmas break)

          ♥ Do random abs at least twice

My list of goals/things to do seems pretty complete :] also the company I used to work for hired me back (well their Toronto location did :} ♥ so happy.  I already gave my two weeks notice to the place I work at now).  Also I'm kind of nervous about being home for three weeks, I mean I'm happy I can just relax and not worry about school or work for three weeks but my parents don't know I'm vegan.  They think I'm still a vegetarian and they think that it's bad as it is and are trying to convince me to start eating fish! I mean a month and a half ago when I came down for Thanksgiving weekend they kind of noticed and I think they kind of thought I might be vegan, but I snuk my way out of it by taking the groceries they gave me (which included cheese and a bunch of other stuff I do not eat) and telling them I ate it but I really gave it to a friend (and of course they believed me cause it's not like they're here with me in Toronto). But yeah so now I'm a tad nervous, oh and also excited since my parents told me I'm getting a bathroom scale for christmas (not sure if I told you girls before but I'm just so excited) and I decided that once I get back I am going to buy myself a food scale so I can measure food accurately because a lot of the time the packages are off.

Anywho here is some [th]inspirations ♥ Enjoy ♥