Confession

Sometimes I think of death, but not necessarily suicide.  Sometimes I wonder/imagine what would happen if a car hit me, or I think about what might happen if I take a bunch of pain killers and drink a lot of alcohol with energy drinks, or if I take a lot of pills.  Sometimes I think that's why I sometimes do stupid things (more often than not when I'm drunk) like running around aimlessly and through the street without looking, or wandering downtown TO drunk (although I'm smart enough not to go home with anyone who offers, which has happened), or splashing through a shallow pond in a tank and shorts when it's like 3 degrees celsius outside or going running through the surrounding neighbourhoods at 2 am or taking 1800 mg of ibuprofen with 2 redbulls in 3 hours.  Not that I want to die but sometimes I imagine getting hurt, you know not a lot, but enough to let you have a bit of rest from your life, which totally does not make sense I know.  I just felt like getting this off my chest. kk :] ♥

Liquid fasting = success ♥

So my liquid fast was a success (although I did drink 2.63L of orange juice in just over 3 hours and have been peeing like every 20 minutes...) also I finally went to the humane society to donate some blankets and towels for the animals ♥ Also finally drinking saturday night :D I have not drank in like 3 weeks D: and I know it's bad but it's going to be on an empty stomach cause I am not breaking my fast :} just saying and I have done it a few times before.

Some [th]inspirations ♥

Conch piercing, new job, essays, exams and holidays

So I got my conch pierced on wednesday :] so happy.  I have been soo busy with easays and I have been pulling so many all nighters that my body seems to have crashed.  On Sunday I took like a billion naps and yesterday I slept from 4 - 9:30 am and than slept from 11 am - 5 pm (and that's only because my friend knocked on my door that I woke up).  Like holy moly my body just wants sleep, yet right now I can't even fall asleep.  Also 4 day liquid fast (and I'm doing the 30 hour famine friday evening - sunday morning so that helps my motivation.). 

My goals for this week are (up to Friday Dec. 2nd):

          ♥ Finish my painting

          ♥ Finish my SSH essay by tuesday

          ♥ Write rough draft of philosophy paper

          ♥ Finish SSH final proposal

          ♥ Do a four day liquid fast (juice fast) and 3 days of 200 cal

          ♥ Pay ambulance bill on friday (I keep forgetting to do that :S it's been like 3 weeks since they mailed me. 

          ♥ Buy greyhound ticket back to London (going home for a relaxing 3 week Christmas break)

          ♥ Do random abs at least twice

My list of goals/things to do seems pretty complete :] also the company I used to work for hired me back (well their Toronto location did :} ♥ so happy.  I already gave my two weeks notice to the place I work at now).  Also I'm kind of nervous about being home for three weeks, I mean I'm happy I can just relax and not worry about school or work for three weeks but my parents don't know I'm vegan.  They think I'm still a vegetarian and they think that it's bad as it is and are trying to convince me to start eating fish! I mean a month and a half ago when I came down for Thanksgiving weekend they kind of noticed and I think they kind of thought I might be vegan, but I snuk my way out of it by taking the groceries they gave me (which included cheese and a bunch of other stuff I do not eat) and telling them I ate it but I really gave it to a friend (and of course they believed me cause it's not like they're here with me in Toronto). But yeah so now I'm a tad nervous, oh and also excited since my parents told me I'm getting a bathroom scale for christmas (not sure if I told you girls before but I'm just so excited) and I decided that once I get back I am going to buy myself a food scale so I can measure food accurately because a lot of the time the packages are off.

Anywho here is some [th]inspirations ♥ Enjoy ♥

Fries,smoothies, headaches and flub

So I have consumed approximately 450 calories (since I don't measure my food exactly I always add 50 - 100 calories more than I counted since I am never quiet sure) in solids today and after I finish my essay I am going to go to Metro (or maybe FreshCo since it's a way longer walk and it's a dollar cheaper) and buy a 1.54 l jug of banana and strawberry smoothie :] yummm ♥  Than I'm going to drink 1/4 of it and just pass out on my bed and for once get enough sleep. 
As for tomorrow, well I'll finish the smoothie and I might (for the first time in like 2 weeks) party and drink tomorrrow night once I get back from work.  Also I NEED, NEED, NEED  to do my laundry, cause I haven't done laundry in like 3 weeks (this is what happens when you're really busy and have a lot of clothes - you don't feel the need to do laundry until it's overflowing from your laundry bag).

long time since I last posted.

I most definitely gained weight but I am back on track and for the first time in months in months I did a fast :] but ummm I have not been sleeping well.....more like not at all.  I pull so many all nighters and when I don't I usually don't go to bed until 3,4 or 5 am.  Also my blood results came in last month: I have extremely low iron (a woman's levels are supposed to be between 50 -70 mine was 15) I bought the iron supplements but have only taken it twice in the last month. Also I had a really bad month for throwing up, I did it so many times in october, at least 5 times a week.
Anyways my mother told me she's getting me a bathroom scale for christmas :"] I am so happy! Today I plan on consuming no more than 600 calories ( already ate 200 calories), possibly doing some abb work outs and sleep after I get back from work.  I'm going back home in the middle of December and I hope to weigh 103 lbs ♥ I have about 4.5 weeks to lose 15 lbs (I think? I am not sure how much I weigh at the moment).  And after getting back on track again this feeling has come back. I never know what this feeling is but it fills me, completes me and the hunger and the haze return and I feel pleasantly happy.


Some [th] inspirations ♥

Here we go again, one big, never ending circle.

So basicallly I have gotten back into the bad habit of throwing up a lot, except it's getting worse.  I have been throwing up like twice a day and throwing up until I am almost certain all the food has come up.  My tummy hurts, my head hurts, I'm tired, have no energy, my lips have started peeling from the stomach acid and the roof of my mouth is all scratched up and my tummy really hurts. But I have no scale, I don't know how much I weigh and that absolutely scares me, therefore I have to make sure I don't gain any weight, I must work harder. My mother said she would buy me a scale for christmas but that's too far off and I am so scared to weigh myself this saturday when I get back home for thanksgiving.  I feel like I'm falling back into the cycle except falling harder into it.

Frat parties, booze, taxis or should I say scabsis

So friday night I went to a frat party at a legit frat house in Toronto :D  but man oh man were the drinks strong :O like the hard liquor was for girls only and the beer was for everyone but wow did I get drunk, like really drunk so I left earlier than my friends.  somehow got back downtown on a subway but didn't really know where I was (I think I ended up in the financial district) so I saw a taxi (or as I kept calling it: a scabsi) asked how much it would be to get to my street and he said 10-11 dollars maximum so I got home safe, cause I may be drunk but I still have a bit of comon sense on me. 
Also one of the reasons I think I got so drunk was because for the last two days: thursday and friday, I have been throwing my food up so I was basically drinking on an empty stomach. Ya....long night but it was fun :]

Also plan for monday to friday:
Almond Milk fast - I'm not drinking soy milk anymore because I think I might be intolerant to it.  I kept getting the runs, bloating, and a few times threw up and it all started when I started regularly drinking soy milk.  So no more soy for me, but thank goodness for Almond milk, it is soo good :] and it's one of the greatest things invented by humans because it is the lowest in sugar and calories compared to other  "milk" drinks but has enough nutrients so you can use it as meal replacement when trying to lose weight.  So Almond milk fasting here I come!

[th]inspirations ♥

PS I threw up again today and I think the acid has made my lips peel :'[
PPS I think a girl on my floor is anorexic (she's extremely skinny, but does not eat a lot/does not eat in public - like I have not really seen her eat anything  except for maybe twice at the very beginning of Sept. and even than she didn't eat a lot.  and she usually sais she's not hungry when we have floor dinners/go together to the caf to eat. But who knows they're only my suspiscions). 

Anyways mucho love ♥