My day in numbers and songs...

It's 3:01am and I'm still not asleep.

9:55am I am still undecided if I want to eat today or fast. I am working an 8.5 hour shift but I think I'll just do a liquid fast because I haven't been to the gym lately and eating won't help me lose weight.

Also I need to find a prom dress :] 

12:17 pm I packed a water bottle and a baggie of vitamins ( that should prevent me from feeling faint ... I think LoL ). I am currently on the bus on my way to work and it is not crowded, thank goodness. Yesterday when I took the bus to work [ boxing day ] it was so crowded on the bus that I was squished in by the front door.



4:28 pm I'm on my 45 minute break at work. I ate a chocolate bar ( 220 calories )  before I started my shift and took a vitamin E and vitamin B50 complex. I might take a multivitamin before my breaks over. I am so tired today, but it's weird, it is like a refreshing tired.

7:58 pm I 'm on my 10 minute break. Bought myself a Brisk lemon iced tea [355 ml = 130 calories ]. 

Letters to myself, the voice inside my head.

Your head hurts, your stomach hurts , you hurt but pain is the price you pay for beauty. Getting a tattoo hurts, getting your ears pierced hurts and getting skinny hurts too. That's life, you need to sacrifice something good for something better.

 I do not need it, the convention, I need to lose weight for the convention on Jan 29th.  That is 34 Days away, so around 5 weeks :0 my goal is 2 - 4 lb. Every week [ so the final weightloss would be 10 - 20 lb. ]. I know I can do it, I am a strong person.  I will prove everyone wrong, I will lose weight and keep it off and I will go to Poland as a 0 and not a size bigger. I will not fail no matter how many times I may falter because I am not a quitter, because I am beautiful from the inside and out.
I will be beautiful and thin, I will make guys and men turn their heads to look at me when I walk by. I will be able to fit into the smallest sizes and buy kids jeans. To be this I need to want this enough to make it happen, I need to use self control, I need to be empty. I am empty because I am strong, and I am strong because I am empty. <3

Pics, headaches and fasting

I'm having technical difficulties Uploading pictures from my iPod to my posts :s (I am writing from it right now- I kinda got the hang of typing on it :] ). So if u know how to upload it please let me know.
Also today near the end of my shift I thought I was going to pass out, I felt all weak and at one point I started seeing those sparkly dot things (like a lot of them) but it soon passed [ I still felt weak but at least I wasn't seeing sparkly dots in front of me.
I will try my hardest to post pictures up once I figure out how.


Luv you lots,




             Air <3 (I don't know how to do a proper heart on here LOL )

The best christmas with a Great present :]

I got an  iPod touch fourth generation for christmas and it was the best surprise ever because I was not expecting to get anything big (I made a deal with my mom in September that if she signed for my tattoo that would be a part of my christmas present).   This is literally like a godsend to me, it gives me some privacy so I can browse thinspirations and go on Pretty Thin without causing suspiscion, the only problem is it's hard to type on it that is y I am typing this post from my computer and not iPod. 
Since I got it this morning I have googled and found so, so many thinspirational pictures that I just can not wait to post :] when I do post them I will not have a long paragraph just a sentence or two.

Hope to post soon ♥

Lots of Luv,                   Air ♥

It's Chritmas Eve, big feast and santa clause

So tonight's christmas eve! and that means .....a BIG family dinner.  The big part does not apply to family but it applies to the word dinner so you could say I'm dreading it a bit, but because it's "post" [I'm catholic] there is no meat in the meal.  Instead we use lots and lots of fish which I for the most part prefer not.    Also our main meal is today but tomorrow we also have a big meal, and some friends (they're like family) are comming over tomorrow so I have to eat a bit :/ 
Yet I am not panicking because last night I stayed up and made a plan for exercise and eating for the next week and a half.

Also my new GW is 113 lbs by January 3rd  (So that's about 5 lbs to lose in a week and a half) wish me luck :]


         And let me not forget, I wish you all a Merry Christmas even if you do not celebrate it I still wish you a great holiday ♥ 

Luv you Lots,




                          Air♥

9.5 hour shift, coffee and crushes ♥

I worked a 9.5 hour shift which went by surprisingly fast, myabe it was because I started during the day (12:00 - 9:30 pm) but for the first half of my shift I had a ginormous headache which was relieved by some tylenols I borrowed from a coworker [ what would I do without them ;) hee hee  my coworkers are actually great and amazing people♥]. My fast never happened but I haven't gained any weight yet, so I'll just take some laxatives and go to the gym in the morning tomorrow to prevent gaining.  I will also stick true to my fast tomorrow ♥ :] there will be no temptations, and I have barely any money left from all the christmas shopping I did so I won't be tempted to buy something out of hunger on my fast ;]  I have a tendency to buy a burger or whatnot a long the way to work if I'm hungry because it's just convenient for me.

Also I have decided that for my birthday (in June) I will get my touch up and add on done for my current tattoo.  I will post a picture of my tattoo once I lose weight :D.

Lots of Luv,




                   Air♥

I broke my pomise and now my body hates me more than ever . . .

Remember my last post? How I said I wouldn't make myself throw up for at least the next 2 weeks? Ya well that didn't even last two days, I threw up again today.  Although let me tell you it wasn't easy, my body was refusing to let any food come up but I'm stubborn and managed to get some out.  I have to stop, I know I do, my body is totally unhappy with me :[   So I made a plan to help guide me (I always make these lists but never end up following them through till the end, but they help keep me somewhat in line):

• Tomorrow I will do a liquid fast that will continue until Friday where I will only eat enough to not make anyone suspiscious (it's christmas eve and that's when we celebrate chritmas = mandatory family dinner) and on christmas I might be able to get away with a liquid fast.  Friday I will also go to the gym for two hours.

• On Sunday and Monday I will eat one apple per day.

• Tuesday is going to be a liquid fast and Zumba at the gym.

• Wednesday is going to be a water only fast and two hours at the gym.

• Thursday another liquid fast + 2 hours at gym.

• Friday (New Years Eve) is going to be one apple and no more than a fist size of food at the party

• Saturday  liquid fast + workout at home.

• Sunday will be one fruit (orange) and a piece of toast + gym ? [ if not working that day].

Luv you Lots, 




                   Air ♥

I never tell a lie ♥

So my post today is about me not throwing up, for the past two weeks I might have not thrown up 2 or 3 times and for like 12 days I have been throwing up.  And it's not like before were I used to make myself throw up once or twice in a row, it's were  I threw up 3-6 times to make sure I got everything out.  The problem? Well usually the soreness and pain goes away but since Friday it has been feeling all scratched up, sore and there's a pian to one side (despite this I threw up last night anyways)  and like I have mentioned I have been doing this for over a year now and I am kind of worried that I thinned out my esophagus or something.  So now I have to resort to fasting and extreme stricting because I do not wish to rip or tear or severly damage my esophagus.  My goal is to go at least three weeks without throwing up (enough time to hopefully somewhat heal) and on another note I finished [well almost just a Timmie's gift card left to buy] my christmas shopping! Yay!


Here is what I ate today:

Ham 6 inch flatbread [tosted] - the subway nutritional info says approx 280 but I added sauces and what not so I'll say at least 360 cal.

500 ml chocolate milk - 300 calories

1 slize of pizza - lets say 400 calories (pizza slices can range from 250 calories and up)

Slice of kielbasa and brie cheese - ? alot !




:[ not a succesful day and I am not throwing up today, so to compensate I am taking laxatives [I need to remember to buy better ones] and doing crunches and sit  ups tonight.  I am also going to the gym for two hours tomorrow morning and than working an 8.5 hour shift.  I am planning on a liquid fast tomorrow, just gonna keep drinking my V8 fusion :]










Lots of Luv,




                Air ♥

The one food per day diet

So I am not sure if there is a diet like this out there but there probably is one.  I have decided I will pick one food (apple, chocolate bar, veggie, fruit etc) and one type of liquid (milk, juice etc) and each day I will eat one piece of food and no more than 500 ml of the liquid plus water. Oh and I will be doing a fast on tuesday since I do not work that day :] ♥



Luv u Lots, 


                    Air♥

I very much dislike cold weather.

As you can probably conclude from the title of this post, I very much dislike cold weather, very, very, much.  That being said it has been between -10 to -20 degrees celsius in my town for the past few days and I walk to and from school.... so I'm not liking my walks very much other than the fact that they burn calories.  I have also been bundling up a lot, two tank tops, short sleeve shirt, sweater, fall jacket and winter coat.  Despite my layers I have still been cold, and have been sleeping a lot lately.  I get this about twice a year.  Usually I am full of energy and I will have days when I'm tired but those are so few it's hard to remember.  Than I crash, this will happen about twice a year, I'll have a week or so of me being so tired and "dead" and totally drained.  I will take naps (around 3 hours) and sleep for about 8-9 hours a night during these "crashes".  I think it's the school work, stress and energy that just drains me out once in awhile, but this has only been happening since last year, before that I do not recall having these "crashes".  A teacher actually talked to me about it when I asked to go to the bathroom.  He asked if I was feeling ok and I said yes but just a bit under the weather and really tired.  And he said he notices that I get really tired and drained sometimes (I have had him as a french teacher for the past 3 years) and he sais it really shows (I'm guessing it's the bags under my eyes he's refering to) and than he said something that I wasn't expecting.  He said that sometimes it's nutrition too and that maybe I'm not getting the nutrients I need and not eating properly. Umm he's never said that before, I looked in the mirror and I don't think I appear malnourished? Maybe teachers/observant people can tell by someones skin and eyes? Anyways that kind of caught me off guard, I mean why would he mention eating when we were talking about me looking tired?
In response I nodded and agreed and said that maybe that was it because my stomache hasn't been feeling too well for a week or so and I haven't been eating properly.  Oh how I love how quickly these white lies/excuses come into my head and how they actually sound believable, I still have problems using excuses with my mom....



Stay Warm




Lots of Luv,




                    Air♥

Huge Binge and Purge, feeling the toll on my body

I threw up today again, we had chinese food for me and my friends holiday dinner and I totally pigged out.  Once I got home I threw it up, I think I got about 1/4-1/2 of the food out but it's became a bit harder to keep throwing up today.  Another thing that happened was for the first time in over 2 years I actually really considered cutting again.  I have had thoughts were I thought about what would happen if I cut again but I have never for the longest time actually had the urge to do it again. It was kind of scary but I didn't cut and I'm proud of that.

I think all the purging I've been doing (over a year now) is finally taking a toll on my health. I mean from time to time when I throw up a lot I feel unwell, like my body feels unwell. I sometimes get chest tightness, light headness and fatigue but lately I have been tired all the time, have a very hard time falling asleep, my back hurts more than normal, my nails keep peeling and breaking, and my body temperature is low. Anyways last night I was lying in bed and I could feel my heart beating and it had a very weird rhytmn, my body ached, and I knew that my body was hurt.  It's one of those reality check moments, when it kind of hits you that somethings wrong.  Like I knew I was messing up my body by throwing up but it wasn't until yesterday that I really thought it over.  Don't ever start bad habits like cutting, throwing up, restricting and extreme dieting because it will mess you up and you will know that you're hurting yourself but you just can't stop, you don't want to stop.  

PS sorry for all the depressing posts lately






Luv you Lots,




                          Air ♥

Feeling unwell and there's still christmas shopping to be done....

So I did a one day fast on saturday and since than whatever I eat (even if it's a normal or small meal) I just have to throw it up, I just do or else I know it's going to turn into fat because ever since last wednesday I haven't really had anything in my system (I threw up wednesday, thursday, friday, sunday, monday, and today).   My throat feels raw, my abdomen hurts now and than, I feel tired and just in general unwell.  I might stay home tomorrow, sleep all day, and than I have to go to a "holiday dinner" with friends and I'm dreading it because I know I'll have to  throw that up too.  Also I did Zumba today, it made me feel better physically but for some reason (maybe because there wasn't that many people today) I saw myself negatively during the class (there are  mirrors all around the room).  I couldn't stop comparing and criticizing myself in my head during Zumba and usually I just forget my problems and have fun in that class. 
Also I took two laxatives and a tonalin CLA, but in all truth I do not think the laxatives work.  It sais take one and I always take one or more but it does not work.  Maybe it was because I bought a "gentle" laxative....I didn't want to anyone to think I was using them for weight loss so I told the health store lady (this was in Auguts I believe) that I just had "digestive" problems occasionaly so she recommended this "gentle & natural" one. It's not like I was going to say to her "No, I was actually looking for a strong laxative that works asap." so I ended up buying the one she recommended.  Oh well I took some more so we'll see what happens, and I'm thinking of buying some diuretics as well in the hopes of a faster weightloss without water gain.
Also I still have christmas shopping to do and three secret santas.... :S yikes! Plus I need to buy some "necessities" for myself  ;]  (by that I mean boxing gloves and shoes) and I need to buy ingredients for Pad Thai that I am bringing for fridays Pot Luck at work [the holidays involve WAY too much food for my liking].


PS I said I'd write everyday and look here I haven't, so my apologies. ♥



Luv you Lots,






                       Air ♥