All those children we love ♥

My friends sister's cancer came back and they say she's dying and I cried.  I cried because I can't even image what it would be like to lose a sibling, let alone my sister.  I cried because I knew I couldn't say or do anything to change any of this or make her feel better.  I cried because I was scarred for her, I cried because her sister is only a child and I cried because her sister is dying.   It's hard when you find out someone has a critical illness but it's different when they tell you that that someone is dying.   I'm praying and thinking about my friend and her sister and all those people in the world who are suffering, terminally ill, disabled, or forgotten and just everyone in general♥

♥  Please don't forget to be kind to everyone you meet, u never know what they might be going through ♥

djksjfomodfodfmv :] ♥ I Love u guys ♥

some [th] inspirations as promised :] 

♥

Wow long time since I last posted

So it's been awhile but a lot has happened, and I am back on track with my weight :]  planing to lose 10 more pounds in the next 2 weeks before I leave for Europe and I'm still going to be updating to this blog in the summer just not as much but I will be starting a new blog for my travels and adventures as I told my friends I would but couldn't possibly use this blog... well obv not right? I mean this blog has so much detail and would reveal that I have en ED but I will post a link to my new blog for the summer which should be up sometime next week :]
Also I'm going to the dentist today .... I think I'm gonna die, I have been throwing up a lot lately and I know he'll notice.... he noticed last time but just asked if I was drinking lots of coffee cause the backs of my teeth were yellow, but than he remarked that I must drink a lot of coffee to get them that colour, he kinda seemed doubtful that it was coffee.  Ahh but I'm 18 so he can't really say anything, well he can to me but not to my mother, I just hope he does not notice cause I have started brushing my teeth more times a day than ever before so hopefully but than again he might notice that my throat's all scratched up and red ..... oh dearies......

Also as a side note I had a bunch of asian thinspo I was going to upload but my uploader is not working? whaaa? I know it sucks :[ but next time I post I'll hopefully be able to post some more  [th]inspirations.



      Luv you Lots,
                        Air ♥ 

Countdown, weight down, players, parties, booze and maybe things are less confusing? ♥

So I may have figured out what I am doing for next year;  I talked to my dad and he agrees with it but I'm not sure my mom will. . . and I was going to talk to her about it today but ummm how should I say this she is a bit drunk.  So my plan is to stay here in this town and attend an art program offered at a high school here, the courses count towards university and it's not exactly a victory lap because you need to have your high school diploma to attend it and you needed to go through an interview process.  I got accepted in like November so I put it aside as my plan b of plan b for the next year and realistically I think it might be what I am going to do.   And I want to re apply for fashion next year so I need to raise my average so either way I'd need to take more courses next year to bump up my average.   Well I think I have one part of my life kinda stabled down, but my social life is wack, total wack.  I just party, and party and I love it cause I always loose weight after a weekend of drinking, working and partying, but it does leek into your emotional stability and you kinda feel unstable (not sure if that made total sense).  So what I am trying to say is that my next year is figured out but my emotional and social life is unstable and I feel like I am going down fast,  I have been throwing up a lot, fasting a lot and restricting a lot and I will loose 4 more lbs before Friday (prom♥) and I just can't deal with stuff no more, well I can but can't.  Ahh see how confusing I am.... Oh I forgot to mention I got a second tattoo done on Friday :] 

                          Lots of Love, 

                                                 Air ♥

♥

So I am trying to get back on track, both with weight loss (which I have gotten back on track with :] ) and my emotions ( I've been super stressed and feeling like everything was falling apart).  So today is exactly 3 weeks until my prom so I am taking steps to look and feel my absolute best, and they are as follow:

• Wash face everyday - use cleanser in the morning and evening and apply mud mask in the evening to chin, nose and forehead.   Use tea bags on eyes for 5 minutes each day and soak hands in tea (for healthier nails).
• Vitamins - take vitamin E and multi vitamin everyday in the morning. 
• Moisturize - lotion hands, arms, face and legs each day.
• Stretch - do morning and evening stretches.
• Walks - go on walks with dog everyday (even if working).
• Clean and organize - once a week (Sundays most probably) clean room, pack some things for university and clean the bathroom. 
• Jogging - go on runs at least twice a week.
• Gym - go to the gym at least twice a week. 
• Food - do not  eat foods : junk food,  foods with refined sugar or white flour, cheese (I absolutely LOVE cheese but I eat too much and it has a lot of fat so it's a no no before prom), nuts, chocolate milk  and cut milk intake (currently between 500 ml -1.5 l a day) to one cup a day.
• Fasts -  at least twice a week .
• Spend more time with family. 

So these are the steps I'm taking to feeling and looking better :]  My gw is 110 lbs for prom ♥  

Here is some [th]inspirations ♥

.

I FUCKING HATE everything right now, I'm just having a really hard time.  Life is a total bitch, I want to cut, throw my guts up and do stupid shit because I don't know what to do anymore but no one knows that this is a hard time for me because I am always so fucking happy and bubbly and ahhhh.  I am actually so frustrated and upset :[  I just really don't know what to do anymore, like this saturday I spent an hour pacing the bathroom crying my eyes out and I just didn't know what to do, I don't know what to do anymore. Oh god I must sound like a freaking lunatic but I just have to let this out to anyone and this is the one place I can, it's pretty sad actually having to vent out my feelings on here. And no it's not true that if u speak to a friend or reach out that they will reach back, thats bullshit.   I told my friend last week I was stressed and she totally starts telling me about her bad day and how she hurt her knee.  When I listen to other peoples problems I don't bring in my own problems and secondly I never complain and tell people I'm stressed so much for reaching out.  And get this last year I had the guts to confess in confession to the priest that I throw up, he did not really understand and told me gluttony is a bad sin and made me seem like I was crazy.  Whenever I try to reach out no ones there because in all reality and harshness of the truth no one really cares about me, it's true they might say it and "act" like they do but when worst comes to worst no one cares.  So fuck them all and I don't know what I'm gonna be doing next year and I don't know how to  handle this anymore I just need someone, just someone who will listen, understand and care, anyone, because right now I just hate everything so much, and I just need help and kindness and someone to tell me what to do because I'm lost and even as I'm writing this I'm crying.

Fasting, love doll and boy crazed days

So I fasted today :] and I bought a blow up love doll for my friends birthday (What can I say? I'm just a fabulous gift buyer ;] ).  Anyways I'm still not sure what I am doing for next year :/ I applied for residence today and will accept the sociology program but if I do not get off the wait list before I leave for Europe I might cancel it, I dunno :[ .  Ahhh decisions, decisions..... Oh btw I had a most wonderful dream and I just absolutely have to share it with you, I had a dream to put it in most simple of terms where I had a whole room full of shoes, all different and pretty and set up like they would be in a shoe store and I was absolutely in a very happy place.     Ha ha I know it was random but I felt like sharing, also I find it comforting to watch the food network and/or cooking channels on youtube when I am fasting or restricting, it's almost like if I watch other people make and eat food that I get full? I do not know how to word it but ya I like watching the food network and than when I fast some people in my house piss me off cause they eat and eat and eat (no surprise it's my dad) and it really bugs me.  He always does this, and it's not only that he eats a lot all the time but that he eats so unhealthy and mixes foods together, like he'll take two pieces of bread put a huge chunk (I'm not even exagerating he will put like at least a half inch chunk) of butter on both slices, proceeded by some kind of meat, sourcream etc. He'll also have like spaghetti, sour cream, salsa, cheese, it's pretty gross actually and it just bugs the hell out of me espescially when I'm fasting or restricting.  Maybe it is because I am trying so hard to lose weight and stay in shape and he is not when really he should be.  I'm not saying he should fast but maybe cut down a lot on the fat and meat intake and stop eating after 9 pm and actually exercise at the gym and not just swim for 30 minutes once or twice a week. 


Ahh just needed to rant :] ♥

Optimism

So after being terribly depressed all weekend I have started to look optimistically at things again, firstly I could always re-apply for the fashion program next year if I don't get off the wait list, secondly not getting accepted into my first choice does not mean I have to stop sewing, on the contrary I have decided to finally start sewing complete collections and will hopefully set up a site :]  anyways dearies here is some  leg [th] inspirations ♥

Oh and I started throwing up my food again yesterday, first time in 5 months and 7 days, for some reason I'm not upset I started doing it again....