Huge Binge and Purge, feeling the toll on my body

I threw up today again, we had chinese food for me and my friends holiday dinner and I totally pigged out.  Once I got home I threw it up, I think I got about 1/4-1/2 of the food out but it's became a bit harder to keep throwing up today.  Another thing that happened was for the first time in over 2 years I actually really considered cutting again.  I have had thoughts were I thought about what would happen if I cut again but I have never for the longest time actually had the urge to do it again. It was kind of scary but I didn't cut and I'm proud of that.

I think all the purging I've been doing (over a year now) is finally taking a toll on my health. I mean from time to time when I throw up a lot I feel unwell, like my body feels unwell. I sometimes get chest tightness, light headness and fatigue but lately I have been tired all the time, have a very hard time falling asleep, my back hurts more than normal, my nails keep peeling and breaking, and my body temperature is low. Anyways last night I was lying in bed and I could feel my heart beating and it had a very weird rhytmn, my body ached, and I knew that my body was hurt.  It's one of those reality check moments, when it kind of hits you that somethings wrong.  Like I knew I was messing up my body by throwing up but it wasn't until yesterday that I really thought it over.  Don't ever start bad habits like cutting, throwing up, restricting and extreme dieting because it will mess you up and you will know that you're hurting yourself but you just can't stop, you don't want to stop.  

PS sorry for all the depressing posts lately






Luv you Lots,




                          Air ♥

Feeling unwell and there's still christmas shopping to be done....

So I did a one day fast on saturday and since than whatever I eat (even if it's a normal or small meal) I just have to throw it up, I just do or else I know it's going to turn into fat because ever since last wednesday I haven't really had anything in my system (I threw up wednesday, thursday, friday, sunday, monday, and today).   My throat feels raw, my abdomen hurts now and than, I feel tired and just in general unwell.  I might stay home tomorrow, sleep all day, and than I have to go to a "holiday dinner" with friends and I'm dreading it because I know I'll have to  throw that up too.  Also I did Zumba today, it made me feel better physically but for some reason (maybe because there wasn't that many people today) I saw myself negatively during the class (there are  mirrors all around the room).  I couldn't stop comparing and criticizing myself in my head during Zumba and usually I just forget my problems and have fun in that class. 
Also I took two laxatives and a tonalin CLA, but in all truth I do not think the laxatives work.  It sais take one and I always take one or more but it does not work.  Maybe it was because I bought a "gentle" laxative....I didn't want to anyone to think I was using them for weight loss so I told the health store lady (this was in Auguts I believe) that I just had "digestive" problems occasionaly so she recommended this "gentle & natural" one. It's not like I was going to say to her "No, I was actually looking for a strong laxative that works asap." so I ended up buying the one she recommended.  Oh well I took some more so we'll see what happens, and I'm thinking of buying some diuretics as well in the hopes of a faster weightloss without water gain.
Also I still have christmas shopping to do and three secret santas.... :S yikes! Plus I need to buy some "necessities" for myself  ;]  (by that I mean boxing gloves and shoes) and I need to buy ingredients for Pad Thai that I am bringing for fridays Pot Luck at work [the holidays involve WAY too much food for my liking].


PS I said I'd write everyday and look here I haven't, so my apologies. ♥



Luv you Lots,






                       Air ♥

Success never tasted soo great ;]

I accomplisheda full day of liquid fasting today :] I'm so proud of myself ! Tomorrow I'm going to continue my fast and go to the gym for 2 hours, than I have to stop by and buy LA Ink first season, do art project, and finish history essay.  So pretty much a succesful weekend I'd say, oh and my coworkers found out today (not all of them like 2 plus a manager) that I have a tattoo.  LOL it was so funny cause none of them would have guessed I would of all people gotten a tattoo :]  



Lots of Luv,

                    Air ♥

Exercise, skipping, energy and work. What a day this has been...

So I convinced my mom to take me with her to the gym this morning.  I don't have a first period class, but I wouldn't be getting back until lunch so I told my mom we were only watching a movie in 2nd period and she took me with her for 2 hours at the gym :]. Normally I wouldn't go to such desperate measures to exercise, but because of the snowstorm and work I hadn't gone to the gym in over a week :O.  I also couldn't go after school because I worked today, so I did all my exercising this morning and it felt so good ;]. I did an hour of solo exercise and an hour of zumba class.  Than I went to school and felt ill, I think it was because I hadn't eaten, so I bought myself two small chocolate milks [of which I had to throw out the second one because it tasted funny :S ] and I was like dead during my last class and I got nothing productive done.  Than the story of my life, like a lot of the time, I ate dinner after school and threw it all up (or at least I hope it was all of it). I went to work and felt much better and for some unknown reason I had a lot of energy. My day has been all ups and downs, but it's been a pretty good day.

Lots of Luv,

                                Air ♥ 

Last Minute Dentist Appointment Had Me in a PANIC!

So my mother decided to call in and put me into my older brothers dentist appointment because I haven't been in a bit over year now.  I was freaking out because I know dentists can tell if you make yourself throw up by the way you're enamel is and in what places (I have been purging since last November but I have had like a month or two in spring where I didn't throw up).  I heard that they keep it confidential and don't usually bring it up, but I could tell he noticed it because he commented that I brush really well but he also commentedon how yellow the back of my teeth were and asked if I drank a lot of coke, or tea.  I told him I drink a lot of starbucks, and he started talking about how expensive they are.  I really think he realizes, but I'm hoping that maybe he fell for the coffee excuse?

Ah well, as long as he doesn't tell and I do not think he will. 


Luv u Lots, 




          Air ♥

Snowstorm continues, no school for the third day in a row ♥

So the snowstorm continues, we were really close to announcing a state of emergency but we r not.  Tomorrow for the third day in a row all schools, universities, and colleges will be closed, as well as the city buses will not be running at all tomorrow :O.  But I must admit this is more relaxing than winter or summer break, because during those times off I still work, but today? Oh no I got to be lazy, not worry about school or work.  I managed to get the skirt of my dress finished, now all I have to do is buy a zipper and sew the bodice and skirt together :D. Before I started to sew I had to clean my room first so now you can actually see my floor, I did some crunches, ate and purged (a lot, I kept making myself throw up till I was sure nothing else would come up), took a hot bath at like 2 in the afternoon, didn't do my make up, drank hot cocoa and was just plain lazy and relaxed. A weekend plus 2 days of being stuck inside PLUS knowing you still get one more day off school, totally relaxes and actually makes you want to do stuff [like clean your room LOL].   I really can't complain [except that I couldn't do zumba tonite :[ ], and my plan for tomorrow is to sleep in (yet again), do my ISP work that we were supposed to work on in class and hand in thursday, do a mini essay, re-paint my nails,organize my schoolwork, exercize, figure out how to put on fake eyelashes etc.

So what would you do in a three day snowday? Because it doesn't happen that often ;]



Lots of Luv,


           Air ♥





PS here's a link about the snowstorm

http://www.lfpress.com/news/london/2010/12/07/16465386.html

Bus delays, and facts

The snowstorm caused city bus delays, and I didn't have to go into work today.  I'm not upset because I worked 10 extra hours this weekend so loosing a few hours wasn't a big deal.  Because I got to stay home I decided to surf the web and search up more about gluten free diets, benefits and facts and I got some pretty interesting information.  I found out that a lot of people (estimated 1 in every 100) have celiac disease, experts say that 50 + % of the population probably have ity and most don't even know it.  Some experts say that most people have it but it doesn't develop or show serious symptoms until later on in life or after something triggers it (ex.  death in family, illness, car crash etc.).   Also our digestive systems don't fully digest wheat, and wheat can cause toxins to leak into our bloodstream, but wheat isn't bad it has a ton of health benefits too.  It might seem harder to find the right things to eat on this diet but there is always at least one grocery store to be found that has a whole section dedicated to gluten free food [I stumbled upon this once and was amazed at all the food and variety].  Remember that no matter what kind of diet you are attempting, do your research.
On another note I ended up eating an apple and two pieces of chocolate :[  If tomorrow is a snow day as well I will try my very hardest not to eat since I won't be able to go to the gym with all that snow on the roads.  I will sleep, sleep, go on computer, clean up room a bit, nap, computer, homework, workout  in basement, read, computer, and sleep. I really need to clean up my room a bit so that I can start sewing again, I have to finish a dress by December 17th [my own deadline I put for myself].


Luv you Lots, 




                   Air ♥

My second post within an hour, and a faboulous idea ;] ♥

I know this is the second time I'm posting within the hour,  but I wanted to share with you a faboulous idea that I have had for some time now but that I have finally decided to act on; I have decided to go gluten free. I know this is a big decision but like I said I have thought about this for a long time.  The idea first started with me wanting to stop eating breads and pastas than I read a book called "Gluten-free girl" by Shauna James Ahern. Let me tell you this, the book is really a great read because it doesn't only focus on a gluten free diet but on our daily eating habits and how we can rediscover food in a good way.  I also think this will help me maintain a healthy diet and keep my weight in check after fasts.   I know it's a big decision and that maybe some people think that I am taking the fact that I can eat gluten for granted, but it's my choice and I am going to take it.  
Now I will not only be posting about my weightloss but also about my new diet, wish me the best of luck :]




Lots of Luv,




                Air ♥

Snowday ♥

From the title you can probably guess what I'm going to write about first, yes that's right we got a snow day.  So that means no school which is good but it also means having to venture out into waist high snow (in some parts) to get to the bus stop to get to work later on :/ . Also since today is December 6th we got a small present from our parents, it's a tradition from Europe.  In my present I got some chocolates including Ferrero Rocher ( about 5 of them) which I ate, so there goes another attempt at a second day of fasting.  Sometimes when I do that I decide to keep eating because I think well I already ruined a day of fasting so I already lost, but now I stop myself from doing that.  If I eat, sure I lost in control but I won't keep eating, that's the point; to never give up even if you think you lost.  So even though I ate those chocolates, I am going to go exercise and I am not going to eat today. 



Lots of Luv, 




                 Air ♥
                                                                     

Snow, it's a love/hate relationship.

So today it snowed, than it looked like a blizzard out there, and it kept snowing :0  I love snow if I'm not outside. What I mean is I love snow if I am inside where it's warm, because in all truth I am not a cold weather person, but it is sure pretty to look at :] .

At work we got pizza ordered for us [we did really well in sales and it was snowing really hard] and my plan for a second day of liquid fasting got flushed down the drain.  Even though I ate 4 slices (I LOVE pizza), I am not disappointed in myself ..... well I'm not disappointed because I actually purged after I got home.  I don't know why but it feels really disgusting having a full stomach espescially after a day of being empty.  I haven't weighed myself yet and I won't weigh myself until wednesday morning and I'll post an update of my results :].  Right now I weigh about 120.8 lbs so thats 54.79 kg. 



Luv you Lots , 




                     Air ♥

A work, work, work, and a fast, fast, fast..... a pretty succesful day ♥

So today was a tiring day, cause I worked, worked, worked but I managed to stay true to my fast.  I didn't eat at all today and maybe that is why I am so tired, but the bright side is I did it :] and I am proud of myself.   I also started weighing myself in kilograms instead of pounds, I don't really know the reason why I choose to change the way I weigh myself but it gets me more motivated. 

I shopped some more today, and I bought myself a new plain journal and scrapbook paper to decorate it ^_^  because I have about 2 pages left of my old journal and I have soo much to write.  When I was younger I used to try so hard to write in a journal everyday day but I only ever wrote like 2 pages than never wrote in it again, but ever since highschool (or to be more specific gr 10) I have gone through about 4 journals.  Writing things out really helps, it's like getting some of what you have bottled up in you out.  When there's something that gets you mad, sad, happy etc, sometimes you just want to tell someone but can not so the best way is to write it out.  Some people have different/several ways of letting their "hurt" out; some dance, some exercise, some go for a run, some paint etc.  Is there a way you try to unwind?



Lots of Luv, 

               Air ♥

New Goals, and confessions

So I've come to the realization I need new goals, I need to get back on track.  I have also decided to post one post a day until the New Year :] .   My new goals are to go to Zumba classes every tuesday evening, and to go to the gym at least 3 times a week.  For those who do not know what Zumba classes are, well to be brief its a class where you dance off your calories, it's really fun and effective.  Within the first 10 minutes you are already sweating and by the end you feel great.  I know this will sound like I'm trying to promote it (and in a way I am) but  I would highly recommend trying this class if it is offered at your gym, it really is a good way to get into exercising and staying fit.
Also my workplace is doing so well there are extra shifts that we can take so a big yay to that because now I can earn a bit more for christmas and to pay for my plane ticket :'] .  Today (payday) I ended up spending more than half my paycheck oopsies ;] LOL but for once I don't feel at all bad for spending a lot of money in one day, in fact I feel really good.
So my plan for tomorrow [saturday] is school, shopping than work.  Tomorrow is also a fasting day, it'll be the first day of a two day liquid fast, because I somehow managed to gain three pound over the last week and a half :/ .
I will write again tomorrow, adieux mes amours ♥


Luv u lots, 




         Air  ♥