♥

So I am trying to get back on track, both with weight loss (which I have gotten back on track with :] ) and my emotions ( I've been super stressed and feeling like everything was falling apart).  So today is exactly 3 weeks until my prom so I am taking steps to look and feel my absolute best, and they are as follow:

• Wash face everyday - use cleanser in the morning and evening and apply mud mask in the evening to chin, nose and forehead.   Use tea bags on eyes for 5 minutes each day and soak hands in tea (for healthier nails).
• Vitamins - take vitamin E and multi vitamin everyday in the morning. 
• Moisturize - lotion hands, arms, face and legs each day.
• Stretch - do morning and evening stretches.
• Walks - go on walks with dog everyday (even if working).
• Clean and organize - once a week (Sundays most probably) clean room, pack some things for university and clean the bathroom. 
• Jogging - go on runs at least twice a week.
• Gym - go to the gym at least twice a week. 
• Food - do not  eat foods : junk food,  foods with refined sugar or white flour, cheese (I absolutely LOVE cheese but I eat too much and it has a lot of fat so it's a no no before prom), nuts, chocolate milk  and cut milk intake (currently between 500 ml -1.5 l a day) to one cup a day.
• Fasts -  at least twice a week .
• Spend more time with family. 

So these are the steps I'm taking to feeling and looking better :]  My gw is 110 lbs for prom ♥  

Here is some [th]inspirations ♥

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I FUCKING HATE everything right now, I'm just having a really hard time.  Life is a total bitch, I want to cut, throw my guts up and do stupid shit because I don't know what to do anymore but no one knows that this is a hard time for me because I am always so fucking happy and bubbly and ahhhh.  I am actually so frustrated and upset :[  I just really don't know what to do anymore, like this saturday I spent an hour pacing the bathroom crying my eyes out and I just didn't know what to do, I don't know what to do anymore. Oh god I must sound like a freaking lunatic but I just have to let this out to anyone and this is the one place I can, it's pretty sad actually having to vent out my feelings on here. And no it's not true that if u speak to a friend or reach out that they will reach back, thats bullshit.   I told my friend last week I was stressed and she totally starts telling me about her bad day and how she hurt her knee.  When I listen to other peoples problems I don't bring in my own problems and secondly I never complain and tell people I'm stressed so much for reaching out.  And get this last year I had the guts to confess in confession to the priest that I throw up, he did not really understand and told me gluttony is a bad sin and made me seem like I was crazy.  Whenever I try to reach out no ones there because in all reality and harshness of the truth no one really cares about me, it's true they might say it and "act" like they do but when worst comes to worst no one cares.  So fuck them all and I don't know what I'm gonna be doing next year and I don't know how to  handle this anymore I just need someone, just someone who will listen, understand and care, anyone, because right now I just hate everything so much, and I just need help and kindness and someone to tell me what to do because I'm lost and even as I'm writing this I'm crying.

Fasting, love doll and boy crazed days

So I fasted today :] and I bought a blow up love doll for my friends birthday (What can I say? I'm just a fabulous gift buyer ;] ).  Anyways I'm still not sure what I am doing for next year :/ I applied for residence today and will accept the sociology program but if I do not get off the wait list before I leave for Europe I might cancel it, I dunno :[ .  Ahhh decisions, decisions..... Oh btw I had a most wonderful dream and I just absolutely have to share it with you, I had a dream to put it in most simple of terms where I had a whole room full of shoes, all different and pretty and set up like they would be in a shoe store and I was absolutely in a very happy place.     Ha ha I know it was random but I felt like sharing, also I find it comforting to watch the food network and/or cooking channels on youtube when I am fasting or restricting, it's almost like if I watch other people make and eat food that I get full? I do not know how to word it but ya I like watching the food network and than when I fast some people in my house piss me off cause they eat and eat and eat (no surprise it's my dad) and it really bugs me.  He always does this, and it's not only that he eats a lot all the time but that he eats so unhealthy and mixes foods together, like he'll take two pieces of bread put a huge chunk (I'm not even exagerating he will put like at least a half inch chunk) of butter on both slices, proceeded by some kind of meat, sourcream etc. He'll also have like spaghetti, sour cream, salsa, cheese, it's pretty gross actually and it just bugs the hell out of me espescially when I'm fasting or restricting.  Maybe it is because I am trying so hard to lose weight and stay in shape and he is not when really he should be.  I'm not saying he should fast but maybe cut down a lot on the fat and meat intake and stop eating after 9 pm and actually exercise at the gym and not just swim for 30 minutes once or twice a week. 


Ahh just needed to rant :] ♥

Optimism

So after being terribly depressed all weekend I have started to look optimistically at things again, firstly I could always re-apply for the fashion program next year if I don't get off the wait list, secondly not getting accepted into my first choice does not mean I have to stop sewing, on the contrary I have decided to finally start sewing complete collections and will hopefully set up a site :]  anyways dearies here is some  leg [th] inspirations ♥

Oh and I started throwing up my food again yesterday, first time in 5 months and 7 days, for some reason I'm not upset I started doing it again....

I lied

I am actually very upset to be wait listed, and I was bawling my eyes out for like an hour straight but I managed to pull myself together for work and actually kind of forgot about the wait list when I was there.  But the chances of getting off a wait list especially to a program that is very much in demand is very low and I do not want to go to the other programs I got accepted into :[  but I already told everyone I am going to university for sure even if I didn't get into my first choice....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I be happy or sad? I really am feeling both at the same time so I feel neutral, but I got onto the wait list for the Fashion Design program at Ryerson.  I am so happy I am still in the running to get a spot but frustrated because I was not necessarily "accepted" and I am praying that some people decline their offers so I can get in, so please pray for me to get in because to me it's my dream. ♥

I just want to throw up

That's right I want to throw up, I haven't thrown up in 5 months and 4 days and I have the BIGGEST urge to do so :[  it's horrible.   Anyways some collar bone [th]inspiration ♥