Friends, shopping and calories

So tomorrow I'm going to Burlington for an appoitment she has and than we are going shopping at forever 21 which I have never shopped at before ( we dont have one in my city) and my friend said we had to go because the first time she walked into that store she thought they had raided my closest lol and that I'd simply love that store. Well I told myself I would not spend more than 20 - 25 dollars since I really shouldn't be spending money ( I have two plane tickets to pay off, university to save up for and spending money for Europe to set aside, not to mention I have bought myself soo many clothes that I have some that still have tags on them because I just hadn't the time to wear them yet). Anyways I want to either buy myself some skirts or a dress I might wear to my schools semi formal but if I find the dress I want I will probably buy it a size smaller than what would fit be perfectly because I have around 3 weeks until the dance and I will ( yes will, not want but will) be 108-110 lb. Also since I can't fast and we are stopping by Starbucks I'm going to buy myself a grande skinny vanilla latte :] it's 130 calories I believe. And probably a small yogourt or veggie arrangement at a food court.

30 below zero Celsius all I can say is I'm ready for summer

So this winter has been the worst by far it is always extremely cold and I absolutely dislike it. Anyways I'm feeling better and after I told some people about feeling lonely they were really supportive and said that I'm not a loner and I realized I actually do have some real friends.
On another note I am not weighing myself yet I said I would at the end of Jan but I can't do it. My plan is 500 cal today

Water fast on tuesday if I don't go to Burlington.

Wednesday will be a liquid( juice) fast with a 400 calorie limit

Thursday will be a water fast

Friday will be a liquid fast 200 cal limit

Saturday will be 300 cal

Sunday will be a water fast and I'll write up the plan for next week on Sunday

Realization

So yesterday I came to admit something to myself, that I'm lonely and I don't really have any friends. Sure at school I'm the social butterfly but I never get invited anywhere and afterschool I'm basically a loner. And yesterday I just really let it hit me and I cried. And I just don't want this anymore I need friends, real friends.

Scaredy cat :P

That's what I am, just a plain ol' Scaredy cat afraid of the scale. These last two weeks were pretty bad espescially this week ( tmi I have my period) and I'm hungry like all the time when I'm on my period. Point is I gained weight and a lot ( my pants fit again) and there is nothing, absolutely nothing that will make me get on the scale because I know I'll just get more discouraged. I'm hoping it's just bloating and if I fast it will go away before next weekend.


Luv you lots,

Air

Knitting and sewing it all away.

I had first started knitting at the end of November and I must say I'm proud of my progress and I came up with something fun :] I will keep knitting one of my scarves until I reach my next goal weight and each new project will be for a new goal weight so even though it might take me longer to reach this goal I will get a beautifully long scarf out of it and not get too discouraged by slow progress. If you are wondering why sewing is in the title that's because I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE sewing, and I have just recently started doing my own designs ( instead of buying patterns :] ).
What do you lovelies like to do in your spare time?

Lots of Luv,

Air<3

Something amazing

So although a lot of things are stressing me out alot of good things have been happening that make my day really great. Like today I was at the galleria ( city plaza) and the opened a new fast food. It didn't have a name but they had pamphlets with nutrition values inside and everything had a heart and stroke health check and there was fresh bread and veggies and it looked so healthy I was happy that it opened :D regardless to say I didnt buy anything but I'm sure their food tastes wonderful.

Today I ate a plain French toast and drank a juice box, now I'm taking a " nap " so I can avoid dinner :] originally I was supposed to fast today but I didn't wake up before 11 ( that's when my mom gets home) so I had to eat something but I'm not disapointed.

Third post today, guess I just have a lot to share ♥

So I heard the song F**king Perfect by Pink  and liked it but than I saw the video, and it was so so moving, it made me cry.   I give a standing ovation to Pink for always being able to communicate strong issues through her music, I respect her a lot and even more so after this music video.  It left me speechless, I loved it and for those who haven't seen the video I strongly recommend you watch it.  

Luv you Lots,




                   Air ♥

Make up :]

So make up and doing fun stuff like shopping, hair and sewing really unstress (destress?) me and  like I stated two posts previously I need new foundation and I think instead of buying clothes with the extra money thats left over after I pay for World Youth Day I might go and buy myself some proper brushes, foundation, liquid eyeliner, eyeliner and blush :] OR I'm going to buy foundation and liquid eyeliner and get my tragus peirced ;]

Lots of Luv,

                   Air♥

 

It should be raining...

I feel like crying, I'm so stressed, my mothers bitching at me, my fast failed again, my teachers a bitch who can't mark equally, exams are comming up and I just want to sleep.   I really want to just scream and punch a wall or something.  

You could say the new year hasn't really been as great as I anticipated, maybe next semester will be better. All I can tell myself is to breathe (but all I want to do is cry,  all day tears have been welling up in my eyes but I managed to keep from crying). 

Luv you Lots, 






                          Air ♥

People, stories and just listening ...

So today aftermy workout I headed to the whirlpool that's in the changeroom and there's this lady there and we just started talking. And before you know it she spills her life story about her back problems and how it hurt her physically and mentally and you know what ? I felt good, it isn't the first time I started talking to a person I don't or rarely know and they just tell me their hardships and I'm happy that they could vent it. I love that feeling that u get when u know u helped someone in some small way :]I find it easier to talk to the elder folks for some reason and they have quite interesting things to share, so sometimes it's really nice to listen. it's almost like your collecting all these stories, it's like u get to know everyone a bit, it's like a book that gets filled. And maybe I love it so much because my life isn't that interesting or full and by collecting other peoples stories I can fill the emptiness. In my life I hope to fill my book ( not an actual book, methaphoracly) with not only others stories but alot of my own. I want a full and fulfilling life that I can look back on with pride.

As a side note I need new foundation ( my old one is from summer when I was super tan and now I'm as pale as ... well pale. I might go to the mall afterschool tomorrow to buy it (I'll have an excuse not to be home and I can do a day of fasting yay :]

Dear binge, oh how I despise you

Dear binge,

How I despise you and whenever you visit I just want to kick you out. So please don't ever visit me again.

Sincerely,

A very pissed off hostess .




As you can probably conclude from the title and the "letter" above I have had a binge, and I have been having them almost every night since the weekend.   I fast in the day, than my mom makes me eat and than I just continue eating, ok maybe they aren't HUMONGOUS binges, but a binges is still a binge.   I really want to fast tomorrow but I don't want my mom to be suspiscious and I'm home all day after school.   I might just take the bus downtown to the librabry and spend my day there doing my ISP, because I really can't afford another binge :[ It's time I get back on track.

Luv you Lots,








                Air♥

My fasting days are not working....

So since like last week I have only done one day of fasting because all the other days my mom questions me on what I eat and makes me have dinner and tells me she worries about me. So unless I'm working afterschool and decide to take the bus straight from school to work or if I get home after 9 I won't be able to fast which is like never. I might resort to being at work an hour early if it means I can fast once in awhile. Thank goodness I work cause if I didn't I don't think I'd be able to get out of my house as often as I do. It just really bugs me that she's on my case now when back like a month or two ago she didn't pay attention. It's so frustrating but she'll probably figure it out sooner or later.

Coldsores!!! oh no :[

I got a coldsore, and I dislike coldsores (not as much as I dislike the cold, winter weather).
Also I have wanted to get my tragus peirced for awhile and I'm thinking of getting it done next week since I don't work for 5 days.  I was originally wanting to get it done once I hit 110 pounds but I'll probably be busier after so why not do it when I have time.   I want to be at least 113 lbs when I go get it done (I'm bouncing between 115.5 and 117 lb. ).    Also I don't want to get a ring but a stud, I heard it hurts a lot to get it peirced and personally I find peircings (other than earlobe) to be more painful than a tattoo. I had my belly button pierced (I want to get it re pierced before the summer) and in my opinion that was more painful than when I got a tattoo on my hip and that took an hour and a half.  Well maybe not more painful but the tatto pain was much more bearable.

This is what I want pierced :] ♥

Lots of Luv,




                       Air♥

PS can someone tell me how to uplaod pictures from my Ipod touch onto blogspot because I have over 1000 thinspo pics saved onto it that I would love to share with you guys.

Projects, exams and pyjama pants ;] ♥

I have been ubber busy with final projects (which I am doing at the moment) and studying for exams.  I really need to get high marks on my projects because I have averages of  low eighties and I need to have high eighties if I hope to have a better chance of getting into the university of my choice.  So stressful and I need to finish my portfolio :0. 

Other than schoolwork I have started mastering the art of fooling people which is good because in reality I suck at lying (no joke).  I feel kind of proud when I fool people, like today when my mom went out I got up went into the kitchen, took out a plate and sprinkled bread crumbs on it.  Than I took a butter knife and ran it through the margarine, put it in the sink and took a knife and cute through a piece of cheese and also put it in the sink and voila it looks like I legit made myself something to eat :]
Also I have already done a few fasts this month and let me tell you I love them, I don't know why I do but I actually like them.  I remember the first time I did a fast in like may and I hated it, absolutely didn't like it, but now?  I like it, although I do find it hard to go over three days because my mother starts to notice.    I also usually like to do liquid diets (not sure if that's what you call them),  which is where I set a calorie limit for the day and consume it in liquids (milk, juices, frapuchino's etc).   I find it pretty filling  :] 
Also like I mentioned last time about the baggy clothes I realized they have to be bulky baggy clothes to hide your weight cause baggy just makes it look too big on you.  Also I'm not a big fan of the bulky and baggy clothes so I just end up wearing my bathrobe over top my clothes when I'm at home. 

Luv you lots, 




                Air ♥

My mother, I love her but . ...

So she keeps ruining my fasts, she's onto me and the first time it was scary.  I didn't want to be found out but now it's like she's always on my case and I'm not too worried now (I don't think that made sense).
Anyways I had a bad stomach ache today and TMI ... diarrhea.  So my conversation with my mother when I came home:

Mom:  Want to eat dinner?
Me:  No thanks, my stomach hurts.
Mom:  So food will make it better.
Me: No mom I actually feel sick today.
Mom: Than tell me what you ate today.
Me: Nothing, I ate nothing. Did you not just hear that I said my stomach hurt and I felt unwell? 
Mom: That's why you feel unwell, because you haven't eaten.
Me: No mom I have diarrhea and if I eat it will only make things worst.
Mom: Don't be ridiculous only milk products will make you feel sick.
Me: Fine than, give me some dinner and if I am running constantly to the bathroom at work it's your fault.

On a second note I do not think laxatives work on me except for  today after I took like 3 pills, drank a cup of salt water and a tablespoon of milk of magnesium yesterday afternoon.   Normally if I just take laxatives they don't do nothing. Also I know some of you might think this weird, but I really believe in god and I made a deal that if I didn't throw up (or more specifically if I tried my hardest not to) that he would let me get accepted into Ryerson (obviously I know I have to work hard for it as well).  I only threw up once on Jan 1st (totally forgot about the promise) but ever since, no matter how badly I binge I have not thrown up. :]

Oh and my prom dress came in yesterday :] it's a pink 1950's dress that I bought from Etsy ♥ I fit into it but it's a bit tight, I'm hoping to re-try it on next month when I [hopefully] weigh 108 lb.  I think it will fit me perfectly.




Lots of Luv,

                  Air♥

Second post in the same night.

So I decided against purging, but I still feel so down at the moment .  I think I might do my hair all nice tomorrow, that always lifts my mood and helps me feel better.

Btw I stumbled upon another of Natalie Merchants songs

Luv you lots,













                              Air♥

Ahh, scream it will help it go away!

Fudge a fruitcake, I am mad, mad, mad..... :[ and sad.  My mother started becoming suspicious and insisted I ate a piece of pizza in front of her which I did with no fuss as to not arise more suspiscion than I voluntarily took another to show my mom there was nothing wrong. Went to the gym came back and ate a chocolate, and two more slices of pizza.  All my hard work, my almost three days of fasting gone to waste. I can't look at the scale, not today or tomorrow because I know I gained it all back and I'm listening to Natalie Merchants' song My skin which just helps add to my sad mood because of the sad tune.
Arghh, it's just one of those days........... ... and to top it all of no one's noticed I lost weight except my mom (who by the way claims I'm loosing to much) and my aunt from Europe when she recieved our christmas photos and some of my moms friends.   Other than them no one at school has noticed,  no one, nada, zero, zip which doesn't in all truth bother me because than I'm not reminded that I have problems.   I mean if only my mother (and I love her dearly, we can be like besties sometimes and bitches other times) could stop being so over ... motherly?  Not notice things so much. 

But not to worry since I erased some suspision, I have a strategy plan to erase the rest or at least not make any more.

• wear baggy sweaters around the house so mom can't comment or see you loosing weight
• if not working snack on low calorie foods like grapes, or cut up an apple so it looks like ur eating continously, and fast during school so you can eat a small portion of dinner at least once or twice a week to look normal.
• fast on days when etheir a)working [so my mom can't bug me about eating]

                                               b)when my mothers taking the younger children to dance
                                               c)when I have extra curricular

• try not to be so clingy to mom because she will keep insisting you go to the doctor for your cold hands
• stop weighing yourself when mom is at home, do it at night or when she is out. 
• if you have a binge make sure it happens when mom is around so she can see you stuff your face and are not starving yourself. 
• slowly start complaining about tummy aches again (I have a history of sore tummies since I was about 3,  I get it once evry few years so why not pretend it's this year and get out of eating some meals/ make it look like ur not loosing weight on purpose).
• Never ever call urself fat in front of mom, but rather lie and say u think ur perfect so she thinks u don't want to lose weight.

That's about all I can think of now.




Luv you lots,




                    Air♥

:] ♥

Another succesful liquid fast day completed :]

2 of 8 days completed, but I will be completely honest I am not sure if I will manage to the eight day.  When I fast I seem to also develop a better sense of smell, and oh boy does everything smell delicious, but I keep myself motivated by the weight I have been loosing :] I am back at 116 lb. again and I am not going up, I refuse, I will only let the number get smaller.

On a lighter note I decided to paint my nails a barbie pink. I haven't painted my nails any warm colours (pink, red etc) in ages and I like the way they stand out against my pale fingers.




Lots of Luv,




              Air♥

And a big hooray for a succesful day :D ♥

My first day of fasting went well, it's the first one I haven't failed at in awhile.  And today has been going really well too, it was hard though.  My mother made me make a sandwich (cream cheese on toast) to pack as lunch for school which I ended up giving to my friend, it smelled so good .... Also last night it was a feast of grease at my house, and although it smelled bloody good I wasn't really tempted to eat it because it looked gross.  There were bacon, caramalized onions, fried sausages, and potatoes (which I don't prefer anyways).
However I took a plate and put some food on it (very little) and moved it around my plate, left it on the table and went back on the computer so than when my parents came home it looked like I had eaten :] I feel so smart when I accomplish to fool them.


Luv you lots, 




                     Air♥

Me, myself and my headache

Lately I wake up with humongous, head splitting headaches... ok they're not that bad but they hurt a lot and I have no clue why I have been getting them.  I have been going to bed late (usually past 1 am on weekends) and than I sleep until 12 and stay in bed for another hour on weekends (during school I try to go to sleep before 12 because I have to wake up at 8 which isnt bad, last year I used to get around 5-7 hours sleep). 
Oh and today is the first day of my eight day fast and so far so good.  I just feel I need to get back on track and thought why not do an eight day liquid fast but with a twist; I can drink anything I want :] .  I might make one or two of the days a water onl fast but who knows.


Luv you Lots,


       Air ♥

1 day coming, 2 days staying and 2 days going :]

So I am feeling so much better today, still a croaky voice, and runny nose but much. much better :].  That means I can go to the gym to do the new salsa class today, double yay :].  
Because I was sick I wasn't able to go on my fasts, but I managed to keep my weight 117.8-118.6 lb.  Sometimes I like it when I stay at a certain weight for a while because than I know that if for some reason I need to eat "normal" portions of meals my weight will likely not go a pound or two above the most recent weight I was able to maintain for a week or so.
On another note I will start my four day liquid fast tomorrow :] ♥


Lots of luv,


                 Air♥

Sicker still...

So I thought I felt a bit better but in fact I believe it's gotten worse :/ really out of all the times I can be sick why now? I have so much to do, all my final projects, studying for exams and putting together my portfolio for university and now I just lost three days maybe even four :[ Just had to vent a bit so maybe I can de stress a bit. <3

Congested throat, stuffed nose, headache ....

I know it's been awhile since I've posted but I was busy with work. Let me just say that i did not like the last two days of my winter break because my mom decided to have "family dinner" thus forcing me to sit at the table and eat when my plan was to have a three day fast (I didn't work the last two days of my break so I was at my house forced to eat :[ I am sure a lot of people can relate to this situation).

Anyways right now I'm at home with the cold, normally the cold, the common cold, doesn't really do me harm but it just came out of nowhere. Yesterday I woke up with a thumping headache and a congested throat and today I feel so much worse so my mother said I could stay home ( yay!). So I slept in till about 10:00 am, but I am going to go to school after lunch because I need to work on my ISPs which we have all class time to do. I feel a tinsy bit bad for not going to my morning class because it's the only one I'm not showing up for, oh well. Also I've decided against calling in sick to work because I'm starting to feel a bit better and I need the hours.

Luv u lots,


Air <3